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WHAT
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED by Paul Young, Maesteg
Choosing a
partner
'IT ALL
WENT RIGHT ON THE DAY!', and what a joyful day it was, with the
guests, the confetti, the reception, the best man's speech and
the couple looking so radiant, seeming to complement each other
so well. What a relief when it was all over and everyone could
settle down to normal life once again. However, for the couple
concerned it was not normal life once again but a new life of
adjustment and compromise - possibly of argument and
disappointment, even leading to failure, separation and divorce.
For this is sadly true of many marriages today.
One
problem is often that young men and women marry the wrong
partners. As Christians, we believe that, if it is in God's plan
for us that we marry, He also has in mind who our life-long
partner is to be. So, in choosing a partner, careful
consideration has to be given and it would be well to give
thought to the following guidelines:
1.
A right attitude towards God
As
Christians, we must not relegate the Lord to the edge of our
lives but give Him the central position. He needs to be our
Lord and Master. He should be in control. Our one abiding
desire ought to be to do His will and obey Him. He will unfold
the plan for our lives at His own pace and we do not have to
hurry it along. God will supply the right partner at the right
time. There is no need to flirt, to manipulate situations or
to feel that life is passing us by. Learn to wait for God's
time for He knows best. This may require patience but we can
have total confidence in our God.
2.
Marry 'in the lord'
For
the Christian, a life partner can only ever be a
fellow-Christian, 2 Cor. 6. 14. However, it is not good enough
to marry someone who is a 'name-only' Christian; it needs to
be someone who is devoted to the Lord. We must be sure that
the one we marry is a committed Christian with a real desire
to serve Christ.
3.
Be prayerful
We
take no major decisions in life as Christians without first
earnestly seeking the will of God in prayer. We may be
physically attracted to someone and like their personality,
but we need more than that - we need God's approval before we
embark on a relationship with that person. That will come as a
result of honest prayer but the answer from the Lord may not
come overnight. It is best to wait prayerfully before 'going
out' with someone until the Lord has given that sense of
rightness about the relationship. A thirty second prayer for
some sign is not good enough. It needs to be prayer which
honestly desires the will of the Lord.
4.
Be realistic
If
we have a doubt as the courtship progresses or if there is
some annoying habit or mannerism which we feel that we could
not live with for the rest of our lives, we should seriously
question continuing with the relationship. Doubts are often
God's subtle warning and bad habits are unlikely to change
when the wedding is over. Rather they are likely to become the
source of perpetual irritation in the marriage and the
possible cause of its breakdown.
5.
Marry someone beautiful
This
is so important, though it is equally important to realize
that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that the
qualities of beauty which last are more than skin deep. They
are the qualities of good character, generosity and kindness
and essentially emanate from a deep relationship with the
Lord, worked out by the Spirit in the life.
6.
Marry someone you love
To
fall in love with someone is to be aware that the person is
special to us. It involves deep emotion, but also a binding
element of commitment. Here love is seen as more than caring
or being kind; it is that special, unique response to someone
whom God has chosen as our partner for life.
The
above are general guidelines for choosing a partner for life.
Relationships should not be entered into light-heartedly, or
viewed as trivial or casual. The result of such attitudes can be
very deep hurt, brokenness and bitterness in the lives of
others.
Towards
marriage
Having
given thought and prayer to a relationship it usually progresses
through four stages; friendship, courtship, engagement and
marriage. Each stage is important.
Friendship:
at this
stage we get to know each other as part of the crowd. We get
acquainted in a general way through conversation, humour and
shared interests. The relationship may develop no further as we
both become aware that we are not meant for each other.
Courtship:
this is
the stage when we begin to be serious with each other, having
prayerfully and carefully given the matter deep thought. Our
friends view us as a couple and we want to spend more time
together, freed from the companionship of others. This may
involve the quiet meal, the slow country walk, the regular
phonecalls when away from each other. Everything is wonderful
but there are so many dangers to be encountered.
Emotions
and feelings can easily take control and the sensual pleasure of
a moment can lead to a lifetime of regret. There is need for
careful thought and prayer at this stage of a relationship. The
intimate, sexual part of a relationship must be saved until we
are actually married. Fornication is forbidden by the word of
God, 1 Cor. 6. 18, and so we must make clear to each other the
limits beyond which we will not go. The greatest help in this
area is to live close to the Lord each day through prayer and
Scripture reading.
Engagement:
this
stage is a statement to family, friends and each other that our
minds are made up. We are making it clear to everyone that we
are committed to each other and that we are moving towards
marriage.
At
each of these first three stages it is possible to break off the
relationship. If we come to realize that the relationship is not
what God intends for us, it must be broken - not with acrimony,
though emotions may be battered, but with the sense that the
Lord knows what is best for our lives.
Marriage:
this is
a commitment for life. From being two separate individuals the
couple become one in marriage.
Being
married
We
must ask the question at this point, especially in the light of
recent social changes, 'Why get married at all?' Plenty of
couples today just live together and seem to get along quite
well. So what are the reasons for marriage? Briefly, they are as
follows:
i.
God ordained it. God gives us instructions, which are for
our good. They are not there to burden us but to free us and to
enable us to find true fulfilment; see Hebrews 13. 4; Mark 10.
2-12. Interestingly, there is no format for a wedding ceremony
laid down in the Word of God. Societies vary in the ways they
formulate the ceremony but the need for marriage is clear in
Scripture.
ii.
Marriage emphasizes the Commitment which each partner makes
to the other. A commitment publicly uttered brings security,
unlike the insecurity which cohabitation induces. Co-habitation
is based upon the premise that we can leave each other if we
change our minds, but marriage is based upon the premise that we
are committed to each other 'till death do us part'.
iii.
Marriage gives a coherence to society. Society is strong
when marriage is unviolated. Where the marriage bond is weakened
and clear rules of relationships are clouded then society is
weakened and this can lead to social collapse.
iv.
Marriage gives responsibility to sexual relationships,
as well as a firm foundation for bringing up children and
establishing a family. The long period of human infancy and
childhood requires careful protection and training. In His
wisdom, God has appointed that the home, built on a solid
husband-wife relationship, should provide these.
Finally,
let us note that we relate to each other at three different
levels. Firstly, physically. This is initial, sexual and
powerful. However, a relationship which depends solely upon the
physical attractiveness of the partners concerned is very
unlikely to succeed.
Secondly,
intellectually. There should be some compatibility in
terms of mental ability. Boredom or frustration can build up
when one partner is way ahead in academic ability.
Thirdly,
spiritually. This comes through knowing that we both have
a right relationship with the Lord which is growing and
developing. Together we can serve the Lord as well as praying
and learning to appreciate God's Word. This is an experience in
growing together in Christ.
Summary
So,
for marriage to be successful there needs to be the right choice
of a partner and the resistance of temptation to which close
personal contact invariably leads. Two passages of Scripture
illustrate these points very well:
i.
Genesis 24: A Wife Chosen for Isaac
Isaac
was not allowed to marry a Canaanite; his partner was to be one
from his own country, vv. 3-4. Clearly, we must only marry those
of the same heavenly country as ourselves, who belong in faith
to Christ.
God
supplied the right lady at the right time in response to prayer,
vv. 12-15. She was a beautiful woman in character as well as in
appearance for she generously watered the camels together with
the men, vv. 16-19. There was love in their relationship, v. 67.
It would pay rich spiritual dividends to look more closely at
this important Old Testament passage.
ii
Genesis 39: Joseph's Resistance to Temptation
We
notice that Joseph had a clear understanding that a sexual
liaison outside of marriage is wrong, v. 9. We see that he was
totally loyal to God and to his earthly master and he refused to
violate the trust that had been put in him. He explained his
thinking to Potiphar's wife, he stopped listening to her, v. 10,
and finally, when she tried to force herself on him, he ran
away. He triumphed through running away - 'flee fornication', 1
Cor. 6. 1 8. Every temptation has its way of escape.
Like
Joseph, we need to settle it once and for all in our minds that
no one belongs to us except our wife or husband. We must have
pure minds and pure purposes. Like Joseph, the decision of the
mind must be made effective by the will and we need to move away
from any situation where we are likely to yield to temptation.
Let us always remember that we are identified with Christ and we
need to seek His power to overcome the tendency to yield to
temptation - whether that is to flirt, to play with the emotions
of others, to give way to impure thoughts or to go too far in
physical intimacy. Let us allow the Lord's controlling presence
to be with us in every area of life and especially in this area
of personal relationships.
All
quotations are from the King James Version.
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